I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
