Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
