So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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