I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened