I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.