remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
even my farts smell like vagina
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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