watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
