he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
