someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
