My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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