Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
