party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
