Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
