It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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