she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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