Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
