I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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