Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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