after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
