My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
