I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
