Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
