how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
