my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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