Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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