Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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