I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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