I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
