Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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