Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
