The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
