I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
