I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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