There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
