The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
