Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
two words: eviction party
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
