I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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