I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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