I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
my poor anus
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
