She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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