He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
