I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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