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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
