Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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