you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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