i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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