You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
