I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
