I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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