Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
