Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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