I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
