you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
