Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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