his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
