he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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