This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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