My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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