Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
