I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
