so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize
