it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
